Category Archives: Writers Meeting

Word Count – 450

J.D. says: So, turns out they found 24 gallons of water on the moon. To put that in perspective, it normally costs $50,000 to bring one pound of ANYTHING to the moon. Now that they have all that money saved, this means irrigation, possible hydrogen fuel, terraforming, the whole bunch. With proper funding, there may be sustainable colonies on the moon by 2100.

Tim says: Shit, and I was seething with schadenfreude when this was going on. Fuck me.

J.D. says: Yeah, turns out that NASA, that institute comprised entirely of rocket scientists, knew what they were doing. Go figure.

Tim says: There’s the new answer to why I don’t drink too much. When you were out getting drunk this weekend, NASA found water on the fucking moon and now we can look at terraforming inside of the century. So yeah, maybe that extra Jager-bomb isn’t going to help anything.

J.D. says: While you were throwing up black Jager vomit, some guy in a lab coat was figuring out a way for you to live, and perhaps even get drunk and throw up on the moon someday. I suppose them finding water means we are one step closer to the possibility of moon booze.

Tim says: MOON BOOZE! Finally! What kind of hops do you think they’ll brew it with? Astral-Hops?

J.D. says: Dirt? Dirty moon booze? Mooze?

Tim says: That’s another thing that’s always good to think about. Somewhere in the world, some dude is going to drop a few million dollars for a bottle of Moon Water. Just the same as the US Flag currently on the moon has a good chance of ending up in a Beijing Museum some day. Hum… hold up, story idea… crime drama, the future, China steals the Moon Flag, and a rag tag band of American ex-cons are forced to steal it back.

J.D. says: “Old Glory”, starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Kanye West.

Tim says: You can post this on The Placeholder if you want, but only if you correctly spelled “Jake Gyllenhaal”. If you didn’t, just say Tom Cruise. And if you do post it, sweet Jesus, clean it up first. I feel it makes us both look overweight. I don’t have a neck beard. I can’t even grow a normal beard.

J.D. says: I’ll write it up again to make it seem less like we’re having this conversation in our underwear.

Tim says: Though now you also have to include this bit where we announce the self-awareness of how pathetic this sounds.

J.D says: It will be this odd mobius strip of stupidity, the piece itself commenting on how nerdy it is.

Tim says: Like a self-loathing MC Escher painting.

Tim says: “Some crazy bastard in a car just ran us off the road! His car? It’s black and has a large skull painted on the front.”

J.D. says: “Police! Help! Two mad men have destroyed our hotel room with knives and grapefruits! I think they might be on drugs!”

Tim says: “Yes, there’s a man who has threatened to kill me. His name is Porter. I don’t know his last name.”

J.D. says: “Yes, officer. My friend Mr. Beale has been acting very strange. Thanks for keeping him from coming back to the studio.”

Tim says: “Hello, I just woke up in a suitcase after being locked in a room for fifteen years. Please, send help.”

J.D. says: “What’s that? You say you didn’t kill her? Oh, well, sorry for the confusion, Marv. Have a nice day.”

Tim says: “Yeah, he keeps talking about burning the building down. I don’t know, he’s always pretty quiet. He did say something about a stapler.”

J.D. says: “Hey there, I just found 6 dead mexicans in the desert. Did I find anything else? Well, I did find a, uh, empty satchel.”

Tim says: Alright, I think we’ve milked this premise for pretty much all its worth.

J.D. says: One more for the road, “Hey, I’d like to do a background check on a friend of mine. Last name Durden, first name Tyler. Huh, no listing, you say…” 

Tim says: I’m really glad I didn’t put the energy into ordering a Nixon mask all the way out here. Especially if I do end up doing fuck all for Halloween.

J.D. says: Hey, you never know when a Nixon mask might come in handy around the house.

Tim says: The right guests might just come over.

J.D. says: “Hum, I really do want to fuck her, but I ALSO want to give her bone-chilling nightmares.”

Word Count – 270

Tim says: I wish I knew that the moon was going to get bombed earlier than the day it was bombed. I would have rocked that.

JD says: Yeah, I was really bummed that I did not get a chance to write any material on that.

Tim says: You can make all the jokes you want leading up to it, and then about 10-12 hours after it happens. After that, it’s done. Now we just have to wait for them to nuke Mars.

JD says: They won’t go that far right off the bat. The rule of sequels is you go bigger than the first, but you keep your core fan base by keeping it in the same locale. They will probably bomb the moon as part of a suicide mission next time, then nuke the moon, then nuke Mars, then rape the sun. In a giant rocket shaped like a cock with “FOR SCIENCE!” written on the side of it. In veins. In cursive.

Tim says: Right below that, “She was fucking asking for it. Look at that slutty fucking sun.”

JD says: “She goes away every night, then comes back at 6am like nothing was wrong. Listen bitch, I bombed the fucking moon, and all it does for me is control the tides. You don’t even want to think about what I’d do to you.”

Tim says: This is the portrait of a very abusive relationship.

JD says: Wow, earth is the abusive boyfriend of the galaxy.

Tim says: You always hurt the one you love. With nuclear weapons. While looking for water.

Word Cound – 150

JD says: There are no more spies, just mercenaries with reality shows. Dog the Bounty Hunter is what all government organizations will look like by 2020. Giant sunburnt men with mullets beating up meth addicts and calling it justice.

Tim says: Just wait for Dog the Bounty Hunter to be named UN Secretary General. He’ll get Myanmar in order with his wife and sweaty offspring. Give them all the tazers they can carry.

JD says: Larry the Cable Guy becomes ambassador to France.

Tim says: No! Do not put Larry the Cable Guy into a sentence where he becomes something! You just put it into the aether and someone could happen across the psychic residue and then Bam! It’s green light and I’m stuck on a plane with it.

JD says: Larry the Cable Guy in a white windowless room with only a chair in it. Somehow he’d find a way to call the chair a liberal faggot.

Word Count – 340

JD says: Autopsy footage is strange to me. I don’t mind looking at it, in fact I find it interesting. But part of me feels like since I am in no way watching it for medical purposes that I am now “that guy”, and “that guy” is one step away from “that guy who masturbates to autopsy footage”. I guess we are all just one step away from that.

Tim says: Autopsies I can handle. Surgeries make me feel weird. Whenever they remove like a tumour or a large clot of something, and it just falls out on its own, I scream like it’s my Superbowl.

JD says: I don’t really have any issues with blood, but I really don’t like the weird white growth things that I know should not be there and that I can’t immediately define. So yeah, I guess I don’t like surgeries either. They usually don’t cut into healthy people in those.

Tim says: Nah. That’s usually the reason for the surgery. My Mom used to watch them to earn quiet time. She’d turn on the surgery channel because then none of us would be in the same room as her.

JD says: I just love that there is a “surgery channel”. Or was. It used to be TLC, I guess. Now all they have is shows about tattoo parlours and drug addicts.

Tim says: Their target market keeps changing

JD says: Fuck that, I say bring back the golden days the of gallbladder removal hour!

Tim says: Yeah, fuck the queasy sycophants hosting your porn industry/porn accidents reality tv docu-dramas. Society wants emergency animal surgery.

JD says: I won’t lie, if there actually was a ‘porn accident’ reality show, I’d watch that every week. I don’t even have a working tv right now, but I’d buy one, get basic cable, and work my schedule around it.

Tim says: “OH YEAH! OH YEAH! FUCK ME HARDER! OOOPS! OH GOD! OH GOD! THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD!”

JD says: Replace “so” with “too” and you’ve got that about right.